A Letter of Wishes for the People Raising Your Children

A will can name the people who would raise your children, and it can leave money in trust for them. What it cannot do well is tell those people how. The clauses of a will are formal, permanent and public once probate is granted, which makes them the wrong place for the intimate, changeable detail of how your children actually live. That detail belongs in a letter of wishes: a plain document you write to sit alongside the will, addressed to whoever ends up bringing your children up and to the trustees who hold the money for them.

A letter of wishes is not legally binding, and that is deliberate. It guides rather than dictates. Its whole value is that it can be candid and specific in a way a will should not be, and that you can rewrite it whenever life changes without a solicitor and without any formalities. It is where you say the things a guardian would otherwise have to guess: which school, what faith, who the children should keep seeing, what the money is for, and how you would want them to remember you.

This article sets out what actually belongs in such a letter, section by section, and, just as importantly, which parts of it are only guidance and which parts, held elsewhere in your will, are binding. Written well, it is one of the most useful hours a parent can spend.

What a letter of wishes is, and what it is not

A letter of wishes is a private, informal document you write to accompany your will. It is not part of the will, it is not witnessed like a will, and nobody has to obey it. It speaks to two audiences: the guardians who will care for your children day to day, and the trustees who will hold and release the money left for them.

Because it is not binding, it can do things a will cannot. It can be honest about a relative you would rather was not involved. It can say that one child needs more support than another. It can change as often as your family does, without the cost and formality of redrafting a will. That flexibility is the whole point: a will is a legal instrument, a letter of wishes is a conversation with the people you are trusting, held on paper because you will not be there to have it out loud.

What it must not try to do is the will's job. Appointing the guardian, appointing the trustees, and leaving the money are decisions that only carry legal weight if they are made in a properly executed will. The letter assumes those appointments are already in place and tells the appointed people how to act. If you have not yet made the will itself, the letter is a note to nobody. Our guide to wills, guardianship and children covers the appointments that have to come first.

Guidance versus binding: the distinction that matters

People worry that because a letter of wishes is not binding, it is worthless. The opposite is true, but you have to understand the split.

The binding parts of your planning are in the will and in the law. A guardian appointment in a valid will takes legal effect and gives that person parental responsibility. The trust and the trustees you name have real legal powers over the money. Those are not up for debate, though even a chosen guardian can, in rare cases, be challenged in the family court, which is a reason to choose someone the children already know and who can cope.

The guidance is everything in the letter. Trustees, in particular, are usually given wide discretion over how and when to spend the trust money, precisely so they can respond to circumstances you could not foresee. The letter is how you steer that discretion. A trustee deciding whether to fund a gap year, a car, or a deposit will read your letter to understand what you would have wanted, and a well-written one makes their difficult judgement calls far easier and far less likely to cause family friction. The letter does not remove their discretion, it informs it. This is why the same discipline is used when writing to trustees looking after a vulnerable beneficiary, as in writing a letter of wishes your trustees can act on.

What to write about the children themselves

This is the heart of the letter, and the part a guardian will actually reach for. Be specific. Vague reassurance helps nobody; concrete detail spares your children a hundred small losses at the worst moment of their lives.

• Schooling. Which school each child attends, whether you would want them kept there for continuity or moved to be near the guardian, and your feelings about state, faith or independent schooling. If moving school is unavoidable, say what matters most in the new one.
• Faith and language. Any religion you are raising them in, the traditions and milestones that matter, and any language spoken at home you would want kept up. A guardian from a different background will not know unless you tell them.
• Health and diet. Conditions, allergies, medication, the names of their GP and dentist, any therapy or support in place, and dietary needs whether medical, religious or simply strong preference.
• Routines and activities. The clubs, sports, instruments and friendships that hold a child's world together. Keeping a Saturday football team or a music lesson going can matter more to a grieving child than almost anything money buys.
• Contact with both sides of the family. Who you want them to keep seeing, grandparents on both sides, aunts, uncles, godparents, family friends, and honestly, anyone you would rather they saw less of. Guardians cannot referee a family they do not understand.

Setting out the routines and relationships in advance also smooths the frightening early days before a guardian is even in place. A child does not move seamlessly from one home to another, and our note on what happens if your named guardian dies first is a reminder to name a substitute and to keep this letter current so it still points to real people.

What to write for the trustees about money

The second audience is the trustees, and they need a different kind of steer. They are not raising the children; they are deciding what the money pays for. Left with no guidance, cautious trustees under-spend and hoard the fund for an adulthood the child may reach without ever having had what they needed as a child. Over-generous ones can drain it too soon. Your letter is what calibrates them.

Tell them what the money is for. Say whether you want it used to keep the children in a similar standard of living, to cover the guardian's genuine extra costs in housing and feeding them, to protect private schooling or activities, or to be conserved for university and a first home. Be clear that meeting the children's share of the household's costs is a proper use of the fund, so a conscientious trustee does not leave the guardian out of pocket for taking your children in. Equally, mark the line you do not want crossed, such as the fund becoming general spending money for the adults in the house.

How the money is delivered shapes all of this. A single lump sum and a regular monthly income put very different pressures on a guardian's budgeting, a choice we weigh up in lump sum or monthly income for the people raising them. And the amount has to be enough in the first place: a guardian who cannot afford to say yes is a real and common problem, explored in naming a guardian who cannot afford to say yes. Most families bridge that gap with life cover, and family income benefit in particular is designed to pay a regular, tax-free income to the people raising your children for as long as they need it. If that fits your situation you can get life insurance quotes and have an FCA-authorised broker size it against the real cost of the years ahead.

What to write about you

The letter is not only logistics. It is also the one place you can speak to your children through the people caring for them, and guardians consistently say this is the part they treasure most.

Write down how you would want your children told about you as they grow: the version of you at five is not the version they will need at fifteen. Note the values you hope they hold, the traditions you would like kept, the stories and photographs you want them to have, and anything you would want said at the milestones you will miss, a birthday, a wedding, a first day somewhere new. None of this is legally operative and all of it is precious. A guardian trying to keep a dead parent present in a child's life is doing invisible, exhausting work, and a few honest paragraphs from you make it possible.

Keep the tone as if you were talking to someone you trust, because you are. You do not need legal language and you should not attempt any. Plain, warm, specific writing is exactly right here.

Where to keep it and how to keep it current

A letter of wishes that nobody can find in the first week is worth nothing, so storage is not an afterthought. Keep the signed, dated letter with your will, and give a copy now to the guardian and to the trustees, so the people who need it are not depending on a document locked in a solicitor's file at the moment of crisis. Tell your family where it is.

Keep it current. Children change schools, relationships shift, a named guardian moves away or falls out of your life, health needs come and go. When something material changes, write a fresh letter and destroy the old one rather than scribbling amendments in the margin, so there is only ever one clear, current version and no confusion about which set of wishes is the real one. Sign and date every version.

Finally, treat the letter as one item on a short maintenance list alongside the will and any cover, and review the set together. Life events that change the letter often change the will too, which is why our reminder that getting married cancels the will that names your guardians matters here: a revoked will can strip out the very guardian appointment your letter is written to guide, leaving a heartfelt letter pointing at an appointment that no longer legally exists.

Scotland and Northern Ireland

A letter of wishes is not a creature of statute anywhere, so the idea travels across the UK unchanged: a private, non-binding document guiding the people who will raise your children and manage their money.

What differs is the binding framework it sits on top of. The rules on appointing a guardian, and on the trusts that hold children's money, are governed by Scots law in Scotland and by separate legislation in Northern Ireland, and the mechanics of how a guardian is appointed and acquires responsibility are not identical to England and Wales. That affects the will and the appointments, not the letter, but it is a reason to have those documents drawn up under the law where you live. The letter itself you can, and should, write in your own words wherever you are. Its job is the same everywhere: to make sure the people you trust are acting on your actual wishes rather than their best guess.

Frequently asked questions

Is a letter of wishes legally binding?

No. It sits alongside your will and guides guardians and trustees rather than instructing them. That is also its strength: it can be rewritten at any time without formalities, and it can say things a will should not, including candid views about relatives and money. The binding decisions stay in the will; the letter explains how you want them carried out.

What should a letter of wishes to a guardian cover?

Schooling and any change of school, faith and language, contact with grandparents and the other side of the family, health and dietary needs, the routines and activities your children rely on, spending priorities for the trust money, and how you want them told about you. The more concrete the detail, the less a guardian has to guess at the worst possible time.

Where should I keep the letter?

With your will, and give a copy now to the guardian and the trustees. A letter nobody can find in the first week is worth nothing. Sign and date it, and when things change replace the whole letter rather than adding notes to the old one, so there is only ever one clear, current version.